bruceb news

An interesting thing to have on your favorites list, eh? Here’s Dave Barry’s blog.

Mil Millington started a web site a few years ago, Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About. It’s absolutely hilarious. If it doesn’t grab you right away, scroll down about halfway and start again – it gets better.

He’s just released a novel with the same title, which promises to be a very funny piece of work.

Here’s a random sample from the web site:

If I’m sitting on the sofa reading a book and Margret enters the room she will say this: ‘What are you doing?’ If I’m peeling potatoes in the kitchen when she happens upon me, or pushing batteries into one of the children’s extensive range of screeching toys, or writing on the side of a video cassette I’ve just pulled out of the recorder, the same thing: ‘What are you doing?’ I mean, a fellow likes to feel he’s a bit enigmatic now and then, a tad mysterious and deep, but how can a person see me, for example, screwing a new bulb into a light fitting and not be able to see immediately and with huge, reverberating, chill clarity precisely what it is that I’m doing?

[…] continued

A recently leaked trailer for The Return of the King has Tolkien fans outraged over the apparent addition of a new character – Jar-Jaromir, the half-brother of Boromir and Faramir. Here’s an article with a photo of the new character – well worth a look if you’re a fan of the first two Lord of the Rings movies. Director Peter Jackson comments, “I just love it when he shouts, ‘Yousa steala precious from meesa!’”

Great news for W&G fans: A new two-minute Wallace & Gromit short can be downloaded for free from Atom Films, and on October 22, nine more Wallace & Gromit shorts will be available from the same site for $9.95. The next project from Ardman Films will be a full-length Wallace & Gromit movie, due sometime next year.

Count on The Onion to give you the news that really matters. Here’s an article from this week’s issue that nicely catches the flavor of the recording industry’s wrongheaded attempts to shut down all the services that allow us to listen to music.

LOS ANGELES—The Recording Industry Association of America filed a $7.1 billion lawsuit against the nation’s radio stations Monday, accusing them of freely distributing copyrighted music.

“It’s criminal,” RIAA president Hilary Rosen said. “Anyone at any time can simply turn on a radio and hear a copyrighted song. Making matters worse, these radio stations often play the best, catchiest song off the album over and over until people get sick of it.

[…] continued

The recording industry has developed a new recording format that is piracy-proof. Here’s an article with more details. Nicknamed the ‘Record’, the new format takes the form of a black, vinyl disc measuring 12 inches in diameter, which must be played on a specially designed ‘turntable’.

“We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the world can access the data on this disc,” said spokesman Brett Campbell. “We are also confident that no-one is going to be able to produce pirate copies in this format without going to a heck of a lot of trouble. This is without doubt the best anti-piracy invention the music industry has ever seen.”

As part of the invention’s rigorous testing process, the designers gave some discs to a group of teenage computer experts who regularly use file swapping software such as Limewire and gnutella and who admit to pirating music CDs.

[…] continued

In case you missed this in the paper a couple of days ago, here’s a story that’s absolutely priceless. The Beijing Evening News (circulation: 1.25 million) printed a word-for-word translation of an American news item in its June 3 edition. The article concerned the threat by Congress to leave Washington D.C. unless they get a new Capitol building with a retractable dome. “Don’t get us wrong: We love the drafty old building,” House Speaker Dennis Hastert was quoted as saying. “But the hard reality is, it’s no longer suitable for a world-class legislative branch. The sight lines are bad, there aren’t enough concession stands or bathrooms, and the parking is miserable.”

The story was plagiarized from The Onion, which regularly delivers the best humor on the Internet. […] continued

Google has posted a fascinated look at the technology that produces its search results. Google relies on PigeonRank, a system for ranking web pages using low cost pigeon clusters. Trained pigeons select relevant web sites from among thousands of similar pages. “By collecting flocks of pigeons in dense clusters, Google is able to process search queries at speeds superior to traditional search engines, which typically rely on birds of prey, brooding hens or slow-moving waterfowl to do their relevance rankings.”

The article discusses the issues that arise when pigeons are packed in dense clusters. Google has developed “groundbreaking technology for converting poop to pixels, the tiny dots that make up a monitor’s display. […] continued

Although I’m as bugged by spam e-mail as you are, I recommend signing up for a very funny newsletter from Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert. (Sign up at the Dilbert web site.) It only arrives three or four times a year, and it frequently has several things that make me laugh out loud. Here’s a sample from the newsletter that arrived today:

Most observers believe that the Enron executives are devious, unethical crooks. The only other explanation is that they are the biggest idiots in the solar system. No matter how outraged you feel about this situation, you have to be amused by what’s coming next: To avoid jail, the executives will have to convince a jury that they are astonishingly incompetent.

[…] continued

The Onion is a treasure. One of its stories this week is just perfect:

AUSTIN, TX—After 18 years of striving, Dell Computer finally reached its long-stated goal to be the worldwide leader in computing systems Monday and promptly ceased operations.

“We did it,” founder and CEO Michael Dell said. “Back when I started this company, I vowed that I would not rest until we revolutionized the way computers are sold. Well, at long last, that day is here. Bye.”

When he launched the company in 1984, Dell drew up a lengthy list of longterm corporate goals. These included making Dell Computer the world’s most trusted name in computer systems, the industry leader for customer service and technical support, and a model for direct-order retail in the 21st century and beyond.

[…] continued